A singleton's guide to V-Day
Valentine’s Day sucks. Love sucks. The opposite sex sucks.
Whether by choice or the cold, hard reality of life, you’ve been left single to brave the desolate wasteland that is the dark side of V-Day. To make your solitude worse, all your spoken-for friends are prancing about and rubbing your face in all the warm tingly feelings you don’t have.
How cruel, how harsh, how … dumb.
So, what if you don’t have a significant other to get all cutesy and sappy with? That doesn’t mean V-Day has to be a waste.
And remember, love is for suckers.You’re probably better off anyway, especially from an economic standpoint.
Instead of worrying about the significant other you don’t have, spend this V-Day focusing solely on the original love of your life. No, not your high school sweetheart, college romance or any of that menagerie of men and/or women you call your dating history. Before any of them walked into and then out of your life, it was just you. Hearken back to those times and be your own Valentine this year.
Rather than drop several hundred dollars on a gift to try to get lucky, go splurge on those retro Js or that expensive watch you’ve had your eyes on. Put the ice cream away, get decked out in your Sunday best and make a reservation at your favorite restaurant. Be sure to make a stop at your favorite bar for a drink or two afterward, and treat yourself to that movie none of your other friends want to go see.
Forget about the stigma that surrounds being single on Valentine’s Day because there’s nothing sad about killing it in your finery, kicked back and laughing at all the poor saps trying to force a magical moment that will probably just result in a really expensive argument.
Instead, make the most of V-Day and indulge yourself in a solid evening of self-love (don’t make it weird).
Stay away from the phone frenzy
There’s an argument to be made that the most dependent relationship is people’s lives these days is the one that exists between man and smartphone. On V-Day, go ahead and take a break.
If you’re still a little tender-hearted over a recent break up, or even if PDAs and grand romantic gestures simply make you vomit in your mouth a little, then Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year when your smartphone does not make your life better.
Your Twitter, Facebook and Instagram feeds are going to be filled with flowers, gifts, awful selfies and unrequited professions of love. You don’t need that in your life – honestly, who does? – especially if you’re on the verge of a loveless meltdown, so just stay away from social media for the day.
Instead of being inundated with reminders of how in love you aren’t, rejoice in the fact that there are plenty of single folks just like you out there looking to slap the V-Day establishment right in the face.
Actually, with that in mind, keep your phone and don’t ignore Tinder. Definitely give Tinder a quick look.
Drown in a pool of loneliness and self-pity
Sometimes, a little moping can’t be avoided. If you absolutely can’t bare the thought of exposing your single status to the world on V-Day, go ahead and ignore better judgment and wallow.
Find your favorite quitters (sweatpants), dig that ice cream out of the trash, order as much greasy food as possible and make sure that not a single ray of sunshine is able to penetrate your lair of loneliness.
We all know how this ends: stuffing your face with as much bad food as possible while watching old WWE pay-per-views, Game of Thrones' “Red Wedding” episode on loop (for the love story, obviously) or YouTube videos of sloths doing absolutely anything (because everything they do is adorable).
The specifics aren’t important, just remember that if you are going to throw yourself a pity party, make sure it’s the most epic sadness rager possible. After all, the V-Day theme that reigns over all others, including the celebration of love nonsense, is that anything worth doing is worth overdoing.