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When analyzing the modern landscape of American culture, a singular revelation emerges as irrefutable and omnipresent as death and taxes: Millennials screw stuff up. It’s science.

Look no further for proof than an entire industry of professional speakers who make a living talking to corporations and businesses about how to handle us in the workplace. Ask our parents about how much they love us still living at home.

Millennials can’t even get sports right. More people have watched the League of Legends World Championship over the last several years than the World Series, NBA Finals or NCAA Final Four. For those outside the know, League of Legends is a video game, meaning eSports, which I’m pretty sure is Latin for “not sports,” is more popular (and way more exciting -- I'm told) than the National Pastime.

Nothing, it seems, is truly sacred anymore, except maybe the magnificence of the Super Bowl, which remains an iconic, nationally revered sports spectacle with universal viewership and appeal.

When Super Bowl LI kicks off between the Atlanta Falcons and New England Patriots on Sunday in Houston, Texas, Millennials will be part of more than 100 million people tuned in to watch.

For all that remains sporty about sports, let’s keep doing Super Bowl Sunday right.

Because everyone knows Millennials don't have cable

So, you don’t own a TV. Or you own a TV but you don’t have a satellite or cable provider (because Netflix, bruh). Typically that means you’re shut out from watching at home but, fortunately, the Fox Sports Go app and website are going unauthenticated to allow people to stream the game on tablets, the internet and streaming devices.

That means you can get quaint and throw a traditional Super Bowl party. If you still socialize with people, invite them. It also remains legal, for now, to meet your neighbor and see if they’d like to attend.

The Super Bowl pregame coverage started about a month ago but there’s still plenty of time to put together a proper shindig. It's basically equal parts booze, food and people.

Just remember you might actually have to have a conversation with somebody that goes beyond 140 characters. It doesn’t count as a Super Bowl party if you and all your friends are sitting around the living room with your faces buried in your phones.

For the out-about-town Millennial

Because nobody wants to huddle around an iPad or wait for the last play of the game to buffer (the Twitter crowd will totally ruin the surprise before it loads), it might be easier to find a social space and get rowdy with a few friends and a bunch of strangers. But where to go?

Anywhere. Literally, anywhere. Any bar, casino or stranger’s home with a television. It doesn’t matter. Just pick your favorite place with electricity and go there.

 

A drinking game for the Millennial with plenty of PTO (or unemployed)

It seems a travesty that Super Bowl Sunday is still not a national holiday observed with rest and reflection on Monday. Alas, don’t let mere details dampen your celebration.

Back in college, my group of friends developed and then fine-tuned the ultimate drinking game to take advantage of an event the magnitude of the Super Bowl.

You basically pick a team and then take a drink or shot when anything happens anywhere on the field to anyone ... with some side action involved for anybody with a French name (with two Pierres, Super Bowl XLIV was a real doozy).

Try it. The results will be majestic.

Leave the wearable tech at home

Speaking of drinking games, a wise man once informed me that Thanksgiving and Christmas are really just like a preseason of eating and drinking to prepare you for Super Bowl Sunday. Go ahead and take off your Fitbit or Apple Watch for the day or turn off whatever fitness apps you frequent. Chase those gains tomorrow. This is going to get ugly and it’s not worth the guilt.

A caution for the hipster Millennials

Flannel? Totes. Horned-rim glasses? Whatevs. Skinny jeans? I can’t even, but fine. At some point they’re probably going to destroy your sperm count, though maybe that’s doing society a favor, so go nuts (oh hey, puns). Super Bowl Sunday isn’t a black-tie affair, so go ahead and keep doing you.

But don’t you dare ironically wear a soccer scarf on (American) football’s sacred day.

Don’t. You. Do it.

A drinking game for Raiders fans

There was a time during the mid-afternoon of Christmas Eve when all Raiders fans were laid back, drinking their nog and enjoying all the bliss of a holiday blowout. Many of us allowed our minds to drift to the future, beyond joyous holiday plans and New Year’s celebrations, to a day where 13 years of misery would end with sweet vengeance on “Tuck Rule” Tom Brady and a place in the Super Bowl.

Then, suddenly, tragically, all too familiarly, those visions fractured as quarterback/franchise savior Derek Carr crumpled to the turf screaming “It’s broke.”

So, here we are on Super Bowl Sunday with more dashed hopes and broken dreams than in all of Nevada's houses of ill repute combined.

This drinking game is for the Raider Nation and it's simple: You sit alone in a dark room with your adult beverage of choice. Drink when the sadness or rage compels you. Drink when you think of Tom Brady fumbling but not fumbling. Drink when you hear a car drive by. After all, yours broke down at the most inopportune of times.

Crying is allowed.

But what about the commercials?

Yeah, what about the commercials?

You’re a Millennial, for God’s sake. You read the reviews and then watched all the good ones online like a week ago.

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